2-13-2012

I can't believe its  been 6.5 months since we lost our sweet cameron. Everyone that was pregnant with me is starting to plan first birthday parties for their baby while I'm backtracking on why i lost my baby  and trying to grieve. We still haven't even come close to paying off his headstone and some people think that we should of already done so... but how can when we have bills that have to be paid I'm not saying his headstone isn't important CUZ ITS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS EVER FOR US. but when our LIVING  children need something or we need food on the table i have to put those things first all my kids come before we do anything fun. I have been told to put the money we would of spent monthly on having a baby here on his stone a month now what money are you referring to? Diapers we use cloth already bought for our last child... formula.... I would be breast feeding .. wipes we use cloth wipes .... clothes i bought enough to last the first 18 months of his life.. and bout most from the yardsale sight so we didn't have to spend money on just him... we spend around 150 every 2 weeks on groceries we are on wic... after our bills the ones we pay to live we have 200 for 2 wks  thats 1 tank of gas and 2 wks of groceries so i would love to know how we can "pay the money we would on him "...  YES we got life insurance BUT THAT COVERED THE FUNERAL AND TRAVEL expenses unless you personally have seen what bills we have and how we live and BTW WE LIVE BELOW OUR MEANS!!!! we use cloth everything but toilet paper! most of our kids "expensive toys" were bought second hand... we build everything we can like we just built 2 steps tools for their bathrooms.... now were building beds for their dolls which only costing 10 bucks to build 1 set of beds for their dolls vs the 30 for store bought... we are BUILDING THEM A PLAYHOUSE COSTING 40$ TOPS and we have CHILD SUPPORT TO PAY and i don't care about that! his other 2 children are very important to us!  i have to pay copays and stuff for my medical and have been having tons of problems health wise...  but that was coming last and now i have to put myself on the same level as my kids or I won't be here with them.
WE HAVE  regrets about how we handled  camerons untimely death... we wish we would of had him cremated for a few reasons. reason 1 it was a lot cheaper...  Reason 2 the most important we wouldn't of had to bury him away from us  he would be in a urn and right here in our home. and reason 3 we wouldn't have to worry about a headstone.  theres nothing we can do now. i just wish he wasn't in the cold ground.


savanna and madelyn - they were both sick yesterday with fevers ect.  but madelyn is 100% better today and savanna broke her fever but is still sleeping.


and don't get me wrong we make it and are beginning to do a cash system and couponing more so we spend less on food we just lost wic from me that we used! thats 10 $ of Fruits/vegs and 5.5 gallons of milk that we no longer get.  we eat  ALOT healthier now and eat all fresh stuff.. I'm trying to lose weight and its becoming harder and harder with all this stress and people putting me down ect